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Friday, September 24th, 2004

Subject:Quail Man, hear my cry
Time:10:49 am.
Your Ultimate One Night Stand... by crispnite
LJ Username
Favorite animal
You invite over...
They bring...
You talk about...
You end up...with a scar on your stomach from where they stole your spleen!!!
Quiz created with MemeGen!

"Your hitler hairdo is making me feel ill." Alright, no more talking about politics when I go to the gay bars!
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:"Best of times, blurst of times"
Time:8:53 am.
I feel like Jon Favreau in Swingers...feeling like John Favreau from *any* movie is never a sign of progression. On the upside, I get to chum it up with C.H.O. tonight. Two cheers for last minute comedic performances!


If I had nuts, misconception would suck them. A vulgar statement for a vulgar lady.

I'm such a pin-your-heart-on-your-sleeve kinda' girl and it needs to stop...right now. I don't necessarily want to lose that part of myself by cutting emotion out of the equation to attract those that I find attractive, but it's certainly a start to "reconstructing" my psyche...I hope. I'm at a loss. I've had dates, I've gone out with friends and ogled the locals but still there's this lingering sense of "being stuck" in between a set of transitional phases, in part due to the possibility of running into her some place unexpectedly engaging in the same activity as I am. I've been given endless amounts of advice from friends, all appreciated mind you, but I still can't prevent myself from caring - Caring about whether or not she's smiling at this very moment because her cat just farted or caring about her skin and whether or not it feels better now that she's had her new piercing removed. I'm not a switch. It's just not that automatic to shut off worry, love and natural longing, though if it were that easy I know I'd pick it over this state of anguish any day. I can handle being around her, a little respect lost of course, but I can not be asked to handle her completely rubbing me out like a blemish.
And it bothers me that only two people know the complete story and understand exactly why this hurts me to this extent. She broke my heart and calls me a week later to hang out, the entire time talking about the sex problems she and her fcuk buddy are having, all the while subconsciously knowing what even the mention of such a thing would do to me. She stuck the knife in and twisted it around so that the wound would pulsate and remain unhealing. At that point, I should've dropped her off on the side of the freeway and driven away from all of this. There have been more tactless instances between her and I, of course, but I think I've droned on long enough and I know you get the point.

Who can handle this honestly and come out okay? I don't want to believe that she's this heartless and that she actually will understand one day how detrimental her handling of this delicate situation is to me, but that would be simply asking water to turn itself into wine. Perhaps it's too soon to expect so much out of a person, to expect them to handle the hearts they've broken like adults, but I refuse to believe that. If I believed any other way to be the best, I'd have to redefine who I saw her as through the complete duration of our relationship...something I'm pushing off so as not ruin the memory of her being this incredibly beautiful person to me. I'm losing myself into Sunday nights, creating music, hanging out with close friends and rationalizing the irrational.

This feels so Degrassi Jr. High but that inevitable resolution to the hour-long melodrama after the commercial break always gets cut off by a sudden 'Breaking News Story.' She was my best friend, and, even though in an intimate context we didn't work out, she shouldn't deny herself the enjoyment that we used to share when we hung out with one another. Maybe we'll never get back to that place of complacency and acceptance, and it's a fucking shame to let it slip through one's fingers after they know it can be achieved so simply but there's really nothing I can do at this moment, or could ever do for that matter, except wait.

Yeah...waiting SUCKS. It's Legends of the Fall, The Director's Cut all over again...

I even found myself picking up cigarettes (Mind you, I work for the American Cancer Society) just to cope when I accidentally ran into her this evening past at Goodtimes, both of us of course checking for new blood with whom to mingle.

Things could be worse. She could have taken my kitten. They could've filmed a Daredevil 2. Things could be a lot worse, and so I will continue on, hopeful that one day I'll extract some sort of lesson from this that will aid me in future relationships. But of course, for any sort of "future" to hit me I have to quit dwelling on my own past. Damn Catch 22's...

Your resident Insignificant Other
-- -- -- --
-- -- -- -
"Never mind. It was all a big joke. I'm actually sitting poolside at the Flamingo right now. Don't come anywhere near this place. Foreigners aren't welcome."
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, September 13th, 2004

Subject:The color blue mixed into the others...
Time:1:49 pm.
The artist's confession:

A mass exodus to somewhere full and vibrant with artistically and culturally-endowed individuals proves to me more of a sense of urgency these days than ever before. Biding one's time can prove to be cathardic or simply detrimental, but only after the said time transpires will it become truly evident as to which really exists for you.

There was a time in my life that allowed me the freedom of individuality and expression while still viewing the beauty of things without engaging with them. Of course, I could still do that, but why disengage when you can learn the truth about them through experience? I know it must sound like uber emo drivel, but I'm actually starting to care more about everything around me now that I have lost that which I considered to be the most important to me. At the time, I invested everything into her, us, and the possibility of every kink working itself out somewhere in the future. But I never really understood what what it means to live for oneself, and now with more than a taste of that mentality, I'm still unsure as though I really want that to be my life for the next however many years. Lilly Wust met Felice and lived happily with her for only a year and yet never did she give her heart out to anyone else. Whether it be due to the symbolic nature of the "unveiling" of her new-found freedom in sensuality and love or because of the person Felice was to her, we'll never know but it still remains evident that love did exist in her mind and thus shouldn't be belittled by those not understanding circumstance. I love Kim but only as who she was to me during that time. Treasure our memories I will, and learn from our mistakes and differences I shall, but I am forever changed. For good or bad? Who knows. But at least I understand now what it means to truly love someone, or at least have the opening chapter read to a much larger work.

For now, things are good. I can't obsess over the details, always asking why things don't sum up to the idealistic image of how they could've turned out. The concept itself may seem simple enough, but the application of it will take some time.

I am ready for another hand.
Deal me in.

"It's like that song says Vanessa. 'People need people.'"
"Well, I don't know about all that..."
-Juvey wisdom, from our favorite Freeway-
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Wednesday, February 18th, 2004

Subject:Paper clipped to the unchained melody..
Time:10:47 am.
Mood: giddy.
(Getting ahead of yourself is fun, isn't it?)

I can't sleep... I couldn't sleep last night either. I tried, believe you me, I did. But nothing seemed to work.

I like the fact that everything in life works itself out into a plan (or at least in my case), a structure on which to base rhyme, reason and conjecture for the future awaiting just over the hill. I feel as though things are starting to come full circle. Heed the words I will, replay the messages I do indeed, and miss the memories I shall. But to conjure and create new dreams, dreams to beckon me into slumber, is a task I thought I knew how to do on my own, yet find myself at a loss these past few evenings. It's just the surprise element that catches me, as I doubt either of us were expecting this to happen (assuming it's shared :D). Perhaps a certain comfort has been lost, but I know it will be regained and strengthened. It's just beautifully jarring at the moment (I recall the phrase, "sometimes masochism can be a good thing" from memory). Only a few days past a good memory and I already miss it. Is that wrong? Why am I not on the phone putting my anxiety at ease, I'm sure you'll ask, and I will reply simply, "It is too late." But only on this night, tomorrow is a completely different story. A much better story...because the first chapter is already written and that's always the hardest to catch the reader's attention with. The rest is "nuttin' but buttah" ;p

I think sometimes I take life too seriously, all the while jokingly engaging. I need to mend my emotionally dimorphic personality into a single stream of consciousness so that I can actually start "letting people in," as I'm sure my friend Treasure would say. I do, honestly, want to reveal my entirety to those I'm closest to, or am starting to become closest to, but it's difficult. I'm reminded of another quote, just now spoken - "With ease never came anything of value and worthy of rememberance. Life is always a trial. A beautiful one, but a trial nontheless."-Me . Maybe I'm correct or maybe there's something entirely skewed about a person that quotes themselves 5 seconds after they've said something. *shrug* I'm not the expert, merely the cohort.

It will work itself out wonderfully. The future is laying itself out quite nicely. Her name, I reveal only to the special ones hah~

P.s. I'm downloading 3 Aimee Mann albums and *all* Radiohead albums, so if anyone needs a copy of anything, be sure to let me know *hugs around* night.

"You look like the perfect fit for a girl in need of a tourniquet. But can you save me? Come on and save me." - (very high school girl, I know, but it gets the point across doesn't it?)
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Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

Subject:The incredibly edible musings of a hide-a-bed junkie...
Time:5:07 pm.
Mood: lethargic.
"In the beginning there were isolatory tendencies"

I let my head rest on the cold linoleum laid before me. I could feel the human traffic previous etching its way into my carefully lined features by way of imprint. They could've at least cleaned their shoes but how would they have known what would happen? "Where have they traveled to?" one couldn't help but torture themselves with idealistic visions of lives not closely resembling their own. I could have been one of them, and yet, tardiness has again proved to be the advocate of my failure. I was alone at that point in time in the world and yet I still remained inside of myself, enraptured by the moment of loss and the comfort in knowing that one day, at least one if not all of them, would return back to me once again. "When?" of course, is something I leave to the gods, their channel of insight and the time continuum therein.

In an effort to call the day my own, I lift myself and start to breathe again. The phone rings, though I'm unsure as to whether I should answer or again leave it to gods to deal with, but I am foolish and realize the importance of movement in the present. Mobilization (N. )- the physical act of being mobile; not stationary and in the process of moving -- but without implication or reason, moving myself meant absolutely nothing to the spectator viewing this interesting sport. It shouldn't denote the actual meaning of it, should it be accomplished. At any rate, I did indeed pick up the phone and relish the actual contact with the voice on the other end. They were pleased, as was I, and we hung up without bettering the other but still feeling fine about the accompanying blinks and breaths.

Appreciation for life, or something like it, was our trade, and tools of the notion itself tripping us along the way proved force as a good enough initiator to be personable on this Wednesday morning amid the familiar emotionally-decorated faces in the office. We were together as one, and fumbling through reason, understanding as though there were none. It felt good to know nothing about it and be given the freedom to stand at the outskirts, though still engaging. I regret none of it, and neither should you, if you possess the same natural "hindrances" on personal engagement. Stagnation, I far prefer to regression - Understand this and you will understand me.
On a side note - I just watched Cabin Fever. My god..."PANCAKES!!" has to be of the greatest cinematic moments the horror genre has had a pleasure of viewing. The week thus far had been torturous with certain girl troubles plaguing me, but watching a mentally challenged boy yell "PANCAKES!" and have him do a slow-mo rendition of Tae Kwon-Do on a diseased camper, well...just gets me feeling warm and fuzzy inside. I need to figure out how to make a blood pack and create accompanying segments. MmMm guerilla filmmaking...

-End trans-
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

Subject:The empty nesting of the Bad News Bears...
Time:10:12 am.
Mood: annoyed.
and on...and on...

I need to move out of my apartment. Rooming with one so many generations ahead of your own is never a good idea. Idealistically, it could've been a "Daniel Laruso"-esque situation, but I have yet to learn anything from him other than how to reach a new level of annoyance. I come in late after an evening of debauchery and youthful endeavors and always I'm approached with "I was worried about you. I feel like your father." Ugh. Worried about WHAT?! If I don't come home immediately after work, he worries. The only positive aspect of living there is the fact that I'm literally, 5 minutes away from the newly-built Whole Foods Market - Las Vegas' first, Houston's veteran.
For fuck's sake, he actually approached me and told me "As long as you don't have any overnight guests, we'll be fine" Pfeh. What's the point of living apart from your family if your home will still promote impotence and celibacy? I'm not 80 years old. I can't help but feel as though my youth is escaping me. As much as I've tried to indulge myself into a lifestyle of carelessness and such (not something most take pride in, but one without a childhood feels the innate urge to relive such), life is a constant struggle. Initially, I was under the impression that I'd have my own area: bathroom and such, but the reality of it has proven otherwise. Every time I make a noise I get approached and asked if I'm "alright." Once you pass the age of 70,I assume one develops supersonic auditory powers wherein every noise for about a mile can be heard and jolt the senses. Pfeh, this is complete bullshit...

Anyone in search of a roommate in the Las Vegas area? ;p
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Saturday, October 11th, 2003

Subject:My head swells with tickling thoughts of painless days...
Time:8:46 am.
Mood: sick.
My surgery went...exactly as planned...not to mention, as painful as possible. They did warn me about possibility of a spinal headache arising, but verbal warnings never really give full preparation for actual physical agony. Writhing in pain for 3 days whenever I elevate my head more than 5 degrees upward. My god...I had to have a blood clot done on Thursday, which, thankfully, helped the pain to subside, but still, barely can I drive, much less walk around and operate. Time heals all wounds my arse...*le sigh* Well hey, if there's hope for Roy after getting mauled, I suppose I can't be far behind on the road to recovery...

Never listen to doctors when they tell you you'll be able to return to work the next day...a sham I tell you...
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Monday, September 29th, 2003

Subject:For Home and Car Use only...
Time:1:35 pm.
Mood: full.
"Ve Ri Tas," being not merely a phrase to instill such in all those that utter its simplicity but also it retains function as a complete mentality for the believer...she does indeed fancy me, but complications arise when I glance down at a beautiful tattoo. "Is that a Claddagh ring?" I ask, "Why, yes. My husband and I both have them. We broke up for a bit but decided to work on things last week, that's why I didn't get a chance to call you back? How was the hike? Call me tomorrow though! I'm off Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday..." *Ehem* Married at 22? I love this town...at least she can get divorced within the hour next door if he turns out to negate the original conception of beauty...Ah well, another comrade added to the list *Yayyyy ;p*. *shrug* Women...

UGH. FUQ EVERYONE...well, quite frankly, it didn't phase me too much. I think I've either matured past the point where things not advancing to the next level harm my perspective; either that, or I'm incredibly jaded and my heart has a padlock on it...'tis not the end of the world, just sends me back adrift into the unknown...

Hell, perhaps, I should just pull a Dennis Rodman and marry myself; this is such a hassle...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, September 26th, 2003

Subject:Quoth the shadow...
Time:10:25 am.
Mood: complacent.
I've taken up a new hobby...well, it's always been an active interest, I just never had time to invest into it seeing how all of the graveyards around here suck. Anyone up for going gravestone rubbing tomorrow? J00 know j00 vanna'...
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Thursday, September 25th, 2003

Subject:I suddenly remembered my Charlemagne...
Time:3:35 pm.
Mood: blah.
In the event of death and dying, one should return all videotapes back to their designated rental establishment...

I'm tired and yet again I have to go and look at a few more rooms in homes around the area. I suppose, I should consider it somewhat of an adventure, but it's more or less a hassle when you're working full-time and the only free time you have is spent pussyfooting around the town with your head cut off. I should call her tonight...today...and if I do, I have no idea what to say...to die, to sleep, make contact before the end of the week...or else I will be deemed an absolute idiot and each of you have my expressed permission to kick the shite out of me...

Not the face though, please...I like my nose...
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Wednesday, September 24th, 2003

Time:4:11 pm.
Being an Office Manager, yet still answering phones and such, certainly does have its allowances to observe the little idiosyncrasies involved in redundant conversation...Pray tell, why is it that phone calls that end with "Goodbye," never simply end with just that word but instead always finish with the slurred together phrase "Mmm, bye?" It's said as though the words actually denote some sort of taste from simply slicing off the "Good" in the word's entirety, and by substituting it with "MmM...," they're simply letting you know how, well heh, "Good" it tasted ;p Once a dash of lemon pepper, I suppose, is added to the original phrase of parting: "Mmm, bye..." becoming "Mmhmm, bye...", we are now presented again with the initial concept only with new self-reflecting additions to let us know that such modifications were even made. Once the new phrase is spoken, it now sounds like they're agreeing with you that the dash of seasoning was indeed a necessary addition to make the phrase completely indelible and not just "okay." The phrase finally becomes the "Good," once stricken from the equation at the beginning, and qualifies as an appropriate substitute for it.

Hmm...the question has proved itself, but still...it's an oddity, a freak of modern-day dialect that will continue to bother me ;p
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Subject:Cuban cigars and apple pie...
Time:11:58 am.
Mood: groggy.
My boss just gave me a palm pilot. Rock~!

Honestly,I'd forgotten how good of a movie "The Negotiator" was until I stumbled across it the other day. And yes, it too was also next to "Beat Street..." Until I find an apartment, I practically live betwixt Circuit City, The House of Blues and the local pub ;p

Ugh...it's nearly noon and yet I hardly feel as though I've done any sort of "waking up" at all. This is what I get for buying a bottle of Sake last night for Chuck's birthday...
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Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003

Time:4:12 pm.
Twin brothers that look like Duckie Dale just walked into the office...
The 80s stalk us all~

Pfeh, Daigonelly...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:If not for me, do it for the crumpets damn ye...
Time:3:46 pm.
I believe my hormones to be in overdrive...for about 2 weeks now, Catrina aside (though not too distantly placed back there), I have this developing crush on a 40+ year-old British woman. Nothing will become of it, s though there were ever any question...Mother of one..perhaps step-mother; I have yet to delve into it. With her japanimated smile and an accent to boot...man, my day just improved considerably. It's not necessarily revolting to fall for older women *cue Sinatra* "Even though I know it's strictly tabooooo."

On a side note, I was a bit disgusted to see the Legends of the Fall Special Edition DVD for only $9.99 at Circuit City. Certainly not representative of its content, I assure you. I mean, for fuck's sake, it was the same price as 'Jeepers Creepers' and 'Beat Street.' Damnit.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, September 22nd, 2003

Subject:"Sir, wasn't your mole on the other cheek?" "I have A MOLE??"
Time:3:13 pm.
So...tired...yet insanely ecstatic: the general attitude to start the week off. The paper that marks the current initiator for my current state - one little piece of paper. With numbers etched so distinct and bubbly, I now know what it means to actually "try." I'm not sure if that's exactly a positive statement to stand behind, but *shrug* it's definitely conducive to my personality type, being that of the passively-resistant ("I ain't no ox-moron aight?") cynic. I took the number out of my wallet and caught a whiff of her perfume from this past eve...even now, it still smells like her, dear god. I can't wait until Saturday...screw it, I'll call her before then. ;p I feel like an eccentric mixture of Angela ala So-Called Life and Lester de Beauty Amerícan ~`~ "She leans great..."
- -- ---
In other news
--- -- -
I'm going to make an appointment with the neurologist soon to finally get my spinal tap done, ugh...talk about the slings and arrows of misfortune. I've been putting it off for long enough. The needles they use are insanely-long and mortifying. Re-Animator-much? ;x
- --
I'm also contemplating joining 24-hour Fitness...hrm...I've gained 8 lbs. within the span of a year and a half, not a bad score card, but I allow myself such a small margin for error when it comes to health.

Aye, half an hour left and it's bon voyage; I've been detained long enough so *huggs to all* I'll perplex you once again tomorrow...
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Subject:"She will be mine, oh yes...she will be mine..."
Time:2:47 am.
Indeed, one dances on the ceiling and delicately pokes their fingers into the shadows, observing existence through tactile methodology and experimentation, once one discovers how easy it is to breathe. Inhale apprehension, exhale beautifully lacquered complacency.

We have...contact.

Catrina ::: 277-XXXX .

We're going hiking on Saturday at Red Rock Canyon, should she not be busy with work and whatnot. I never thought it would be that easy :) Not only did I get her phone number, but managed to have 90% of the people in the House of Blues ask me out ;p What the hell, eh? I'm not the greatest thing since sliced bread people, open your frickin' eyes ;p

"Hot damn, I never rode ina convertible before!"
"Is that so? Well, I guess you're about ready then?"

MmMmMm...Estoy muy contente y cansada.

Man...after all of that fuss and it 'twas the easiest thing I've ever had to do in life in reference to individuals I'm enamored with. :D Hot damn!

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Sunday, September 21st, 2003

Subject:Churning and burning, the lights grow dim - dance me to your beauty with your burning violin...
Time:9:18 am.
Mood: nervous.
As the hour approaches, my stomach has begun to convulse in a violent manner; this is either a result of last night's wonderfully inebriated venture or the weekly femme-induced neurosis in question... At any rate, I'm still quite nervous about what will happen tonight. She will say yes...she will say maybe...she will smile and let me off with ease. Ugh. Someone get me a cup of coffee and a good slap across the face. However it turns out, I will know that at least on this night I created a fruitfully-endowed evening as opposed to just remaining the passive being of yesterday. Forget luck, wish me dignity...
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Thursday, September 18th, 2003

Subject:"You're going to need these micropods to download your new identities..."
Time:9:58 am.
Mood: exhausted.
Melting away, like butter she begins to slip...


Whenever I'm home,it always seems as though there's never anything to do, yet I never seem to get enough sleep. Where have my days gone and who might be hacking into mind and deleting my remembrances of them? Last night, however, I do remember vaguely going to see a picture at the cinepelex...Once Upon a Time in Mexico...Mmhmm...It was basically just a meld of Desperado, From Dusk 'til Dawn and a few pre-El Mariachi student films of Rodriguez's...I don't want to give it a full-on synopsis right now, as the chemical receptors in my neurological center haven't been connecting properly since I rolled out of bed this morning, but I will advise all ye desiring to see it to download it first and make sure you want to piss away $8.25 on a ticket ;p

Someone get me a pillow and allow me to drift away...
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Wednesday, September 17th, 2003

Subject:The refrigerator magnet once again asks the Gods...
Time:1:51 pm.
As the week drones on, I've begun to question my motives and whether or not the fuss over her is actually warranted. Aye, the eternal cynic once again defeats herself. Pfeh. What point is there in hope for a situation that presents such an overabundance of paths towards futility. I should just ask her out the next time I see her...or should I ask her to hang out and then wait for romance to develop? Ugh...Being an isloationist works perfectly in all facets of life, but the innate desire to find a lump of soft flesh to rest your head on and give breath to an already weary soul, complicates it all so beyond comprehension. I simply can not understand why this situation is so thoguht provoking; it should just be self-explanatory shouldn't it? "You like her?" "Indeedy, I do," "Then ask her out. What have you to lose?" That is always the question...but they state it as though there is never a loss involved in taking such a leap of faith towards one's own idealistic vision of a future filled with love.

Dignity or self-indulgence? I suppose that is the question as well...*shrug* Up until now I've lived a life of memories, perhaps now is the time to create some new ones ;p
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Tuesday, September 16th, 2003

Time:9:48 am.
Mood: enthralled.
Intrinsic hominoids clinging to escapism to cope with the otherwise meaningless revelation of what it means to exist..they litter this town. There, tucked away beneath the layers of exanimate organisms scuttling about, much to my own surprise, is one that stands out...Catrina, could she sway? Tune in Monday morn, same existential time, same cynical channel...

"There be those who say that things and places have souls, and there be those who say they have not. I dare not say myself but I will tell thee of the street..." -Lovecraftian-hoeiness at its best-

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